All About The Baby Steps

Fibromyalgia has changed the way that I think.  I notice that I tend to be very narrowly focused, similar to my oldest son who is "ADD".  He can focus and understand something to perfection, unless he doesn't care all that much about it, then he literally could care less.

At first I felt like this was a huge flaw for me.  A huge Thing That is Wrong.  However, I find now that since I have relaxed into sync with my nervous condition; that I can live like this and it is okay.  If it is outside of my zone I find it very difficult to do.

Example:  cleaning up my "little houses".  This would be the pile of shit that lays in the areas I spend my time, the end of the couch and the bedroom, my side of the bed.  I should clean them.  My life will feel better if I do.  Thing is, I get a certain amount of energy each day.  I have to budget what that energy goes into.  Fuck cleaning..  I say as I sit here surrounded by all my shit.

My family is very tolerant to my behavior.  They help me and they are my saviors in this.  I hate that I had to get sick when I did, that I had to spend so much time just coming back to zero.  I feel like I have climbed a mountain.

Everyone with fibro can do this.  I am not advising you to clean or change a thing, but watch yourself closely.  Get to know yourself again.  It's okay.  One thing at a time.  Baby steps.  

This shit, for right now, is forever.  The only thing we can do is live to fight the next day.  Laugh, love, and do what you can.  That simple formula and you can find some moments.  Maybe I can't feel relaxed anymore..  actually that is true for me..  I never feel relaxed, take the steps to try.  If your shit piles up because it is so painful to get it and put it away each time..  if your reality is like mine..  say FUCK IT..  baby steps.

Why Bother?

We bother because we want to live.  I bother, because I want a life.  I want whatever I can get.  I used to sew, make jewelry, plant gardens, paint anything I could get my hands on, and I used to be able to dance well.  There are a million other things that I can no longer do, even expressing these words out loud is a challenge for me.  So, add talking to the list, expressing myself how I want to.  My fingers are generally fast enough to keep up with my brain, so I write.

 

I bother because I have a husband who loves me and kids who very much give a shit if I am happy or not.  I shouldn't be happy.  I hurt all the time.  I fall in public, very slowly, I lose my muscles.  I am happy.  I love my new life.  I love the strength that I have gained through laying in bed for two years trying to stop my own heart..  I love that I don't do that any more.

I love that I am predictable.  I feel like I am a walking chaos ball..  But when I look at my patterns I find comfort in the fact that I am predictable, it just doesn't feel like it.

Titles Are So Last Year - Adventures in Dancing & Some Other Cool Stuff

^^

This is what I think I look like when I am doing my new dancing exercises.  In my mind, I swear, I look exactly like one of my favorite dancers, his name is Twitch...

Now..  I am as realistic as I need to be.  So, in reality I know that what I really look like...

is this

I used to be a dancer.  I had to write a biography in 8th grade.  I said I wanted to be a dancer.  In another life, my boobs wouldn't have gotten this silly and I would have had a shot at being a dancer.  As it stands, no one wants to watch me dance with hilga and Freuda jumping about upon my chest, at the very least it is distracting.  Huge boobs and dancing don't go together unless there is a pole involved, and that didn't work out so well for me either, but that is a whole other story.

I went outside today and I danced until I had to sit, then I worked my belly muscles and I never stopped moving, for three songs this time.  I think I will be staying at three for a couple of days, as I had to lay down for a minute.  Didn't sleep, but I needed to relax completely, my muscles were feeling very strange.  I made three though today, and I did it in my bare feet in moss.  It was wonderful and I highly recommend it.

Whether you look like Twitch or Elaine, it doesn't matter, it only matters that you move.

Until next time, heart hugs and blessed be.

Dreadlocks and Dancing Naked and Fibromyalgia Sex

 

CLICK HERE TO GO TO MY FRIEINDS PAGE.  HER NAME IS JESSAH AND SHE IS AN AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHER. 

So, Dance.  Use your phone, load that song that makes you wiggle no matter what and dance.  Dance because it is really fun.  Dance because music heals your soul.  Dance because there is no definition of dancing, you need only to move.  Dance because dance is self love and we all could use a shovel load of that.  Dance...  you can even do it sitting down.  Dance!

So, I am probably going to talk about sex, just a warning to those that don't want to read about sex, stop reading this post immediately.

I love this picture.  Such joy and abandon,caught by a wonderful friend named Jessah.  Again, click up there and check out her page..  she is awesome.  Now onto other stuff.  I am no longer counting the days without green help, luckily a fairy visited in the night.

Since I started this process of learning to live with this shit, I have known almost straight away that my relationship and the things that keep it healthy have to be a priority.  That means I had to figure out what works for me now in the bedroom.  It isn't over for me, it isn't over for you either.  Make your partner understand that when you can't get out of your head..  that is not the time.  You know what I mean, when the FIBRO is over-riding everything else and it takes concentration away.  Don't make yourself hate it.  Don't continue on as you are, if you aren't getting pleasure.  You can still attain pleasure..  you just have to be completely open with your partner and you have to experiment to see what works for you.

I have successfully done this.  My partner and I know what works now, even on days where I have pain, we have found avenues around that.  Of course, if you have a question my name is Tammie Birdwell, PM me on facebook and I will answer any questions you might have about sex and fibro.  DUH!  I didn't edit for a reason..   see..  mush brain..  click there to go to my facebook.  Or ask your question down there in the comment section, others can learn from your troubles if you share.  Up to you.

Just a reminder to always see the magic around you. 

My dreadlocks are coming along nicely, I like having them.  After some crippling doubt, sitting around with braids in my hair held by those big office rubber bands, yellow and red and blue.  I looked like quite the dumb ass I can honestly say, dammit I don't know why I didn't take a picture!  I don't regret locking my hair at all.  It makes me feel more confident, and at this stage in my life I am not too proud to say I will take what I can get.  If it makes me feel better inside, and I can make it happen..  it's gonna fucking happen.  Even if it is dreadlocks on a 38 year old. 

 People are offended that I have done this..  I find that interesting...  Because on the flip side I am having conversations with women who would never have spoken to me before.  This is new, I am writing about it because locking your hair is a big deal for me.  I have wanted to do this for what seems like my whole life. 

New hair, new life, new start, and I can make it happen because fucking fibromyalgia isn't going to beat me.

The Day I Showed A Mennonite Man My Boobs: and got a discount on my peaches. (this is very much a true story)

I live in Lancaster County PA. Wonderful in the summer. No GMO crops here. Amish despise them, so do the Mennonites. This happened many years ago, but I remembered the story the other day. This was just before the fibro got really bad. My son and I went to a local farm where you can pick your own peaches, or apples. We went to pick peaches, and I wanted a lot because I was canning them.

This is a Mennonite owned spot. Oh, oops, I will explain, Amish have buggies... Mennonites have black cars, with NO chrome. They all wear ugly dresses and sneakers. Amish are black, green, and blue for their color pallet choices. Mennonite can wear floral patterns, as long as they aren't too... loud.. I guess is a good word.

Okay, so.. we are picking the hell out of some peaches we had a lot. We went up to pay and a very large flying insect flew right down my shirt. Now, you might be thinking, Well, maybe her reaction wasn't HULK SMASH because she wasn't super sick yet. Well.. I didn't smash anything... 

Somehow the little fucker bug was in my bra. Now, to those that don't know me I have big titties. They fill up a bra. None of that push up shit for me. Matter fact my boobs just fall out the center of those every time I bend down... I digress, big boobs.. Mennonite man ringing me up, weighing my peaches.. 

He comes out to give me my total and I am doing the dance.. I can feel the fucker bug moving around my titty.. I freaked. So.. what do you do when something is trapped? You remove the garment under which it is trapped... I did not take my shirt off.. but I lifted my shirt and my bra like I was at Mardi Gras wanting some beads. I wish I would have had a camera to catch the reaction of the Mennonite man. My kid approached me and said "mom, two things, first of all.. yes your nipples are pierced and I know that now. Secondly, you just showed a Mennonite man your boobs."

I couldn't stop laughing.. the peach man was flabbergasted and happy. I got my peaches for really cheap that day. I do NOT recommend trying this for cheap peaches. It will only work with Amish and Mennonite and it has to be an accident.

Day Three No Green

The update is not a good one.  I hate going without my medication.  I am so tempted to find some opiates and just enter the haze that is opiate addiction.  However, I fought too fucking hard to stop wanting that stuff..  I have to stay strong.  The worst part is the burning.  My skin burns.  I almost can't stand it, but I will.  With a smile on my face, because it is what it is and there is nothing that can be done about it now.

Why the fuck is this illegal?  We need our medicine.

Crying Like a 38 Year Old Baby

Day 2..  Today I have been awake since 9.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I am in so much pain that I can barely think.  I have no help in my herbal cabinet and this is the reality of the disease.  I am down.  I am way down and I can't see a way back until I refill my green cupboard..  

This is how you fibro patients who read this blog know.. I get down.  I get way down.  It hurt so bad to get out of bed that I cried before I even had any coffee.  Cannabis helps me so much, that life without it for the next week feels unthinkable. 

Point here is,  I get down too.  I am not a one of those people who pretend to be happy all the time because that is a waste of time.  Fibro sucks and we hurt and we have to re-shape our lives.  Nothing fun about that.

Physically, everything hurts.  My skin hurts and burns without cannabis.  That is day 2.  I am thinking that it will improve if I just hang in there.  I hope it does.  My neck is tighter than a drum..  

So, this is a review of what it is like to have fibro and be on nothing for pain except smoke...  until you run out of it and you can't afford any more for the week.  Then misery sets in.  I can't let this make me cry or get me down.  I just can't.  I have to stay positive, no matter what it takes.

Picture me on a merry-go-round laughing like a crazy person.  You know, that insane laugh that isn't even laughter?  Yeah..  that would be me.

Goal for today:  Make it, make my hubby be nice to me, demand respect.  Love myself, no matter what.

What Happens When theGreen Cupboards are Bare...

Okay folks, here I am.  Day one with no medicine.  None of my herbal meds anyway.  I cannot remember the last time I ran out.  I am telling myself it is a tolerance break.  Yeah, one I would break in a heartbeat if I had any medicine.  I have decided to write about it because everyone runs out sometimes right?

From what I hear people say the first two days you are cranky...  Add a nervous condition and you get a bitchy bitch face.  This does not mean that it is addictive, this simply means I like walking.  I like it when my skin doesn't burn.  I like being able to function.  However, I am looking at nearly a week while I burn alive in my body.  I cried yesterday because I know how miserable I am going to be,.

Yeah, I am acting a little like a recalcitrant child.  That said, I write this blog and I have a site and I need to show you everything.  Even the dark times.  I will take my own advice and buck up.  I can do this.

Boy of 12 Arrested and Charged After Threatening to Blow up A School and More SHOCKING Information On The Eagle Scout at a Meeting With a Gun

Click here to see the article

Click here to see another article that is about random things getting shot in my area...  with most of the shots happening right around the church where the gunman in my story got kicked out of Sunday School twice, and where he also attended scouts.

Psychopath practice..  shoot inanimate objects (or animals) until you get up the nerve to shoot a person..  That is Psycho 101...  I know nothing for sure concerning ^^ that one.... Nor do I believe in coincidence.

This just happened at a school that is in the district where the boys that were involved in the gun at the boy scout meeting incident live and attend school.  Of course, this was not the same kid..  but the kid at the middle school in the article I posted a link to up there....  He is arrested and charged, and it made the front page of the paper, immediately.

Now, tell me how the church, the scouts, and the cops weren't all three complicit in a cover up?  Because they were.  There is story after story about children and pretend guns, or children and words, like the link above..  They go to jail.  People hear about it, so they can keep their children safe.

Now, my husband placed a call yesterday to the grand poo bah of the scouts.  Not the leader of the troop, but the dude in charge of all of them in the region (?) State (?) either way..  it was the troop poo bah that was supposed to call and alert the big guy what happened at that meeting.  Guess what?  He didn't.  At all...  the great grand poo bah (sorry I can never remember what they are really called) had no idea when he got off the phone with my husband what was going on.

Everyone, including the youth pastor at the church hate me.  They really really hate me.  I am talking and they don't like that.  These people are complicit in a real deal cover up and now the grand poo bah of the scouts knows because SHOCKER...  the leader didn't call a single person he said he would call.  Including the police..  If ya don't know how that turned out read my entry called, "if you have kids in school you have to read this"..  or something close to that.

Now..  I am contacting Lancaster Newspaper today.  This is not Okay and I will not let a church and a boy scout leader get away with this.  Threaten me if you will..  I will see the truth get out.

Another link I found that is off topic... sort of

Dudes are actually shooting their penises because they think they are such bad asses when they hold a firearm in the waist of their pants.  Click on the link above if you don't believe me..  Don't worry, it's an article.

I Laid in Bed For 2 Years and Tried to Stop my Heart With my Brain... (it doesn't work that way but I did try) Needed New Plan

I did say when I started this blog that I would try to help out with life hacks.  Things that will make your life easier, so you can be happy instead of miserable and sad.  It is so easy to just let go and be sad.  

I realized that I couldn't count on anyone but myself.  I have my boys and my husband and they help a lot.  However, they are also angry when I ask, so I try not to ask them for help.  I don't know if they noticed or not.

People that say my disease is bullshit.  Or others that say that there is no way that cannabis is my "medicine" they always use air quotes..  because they have no idea how much it helps me.

This is a hard one to do because our bodies are fighting us.  However, try to figure out what will make you happier.  What do you wish you could do?  For example..  I like getting out of the house whenever I can.  If I am hurting too much I take a chair right along with myself..  or I ride in those battery cart things they have in Walmart.

Trust me, it is funny a little..  and your kids will die of embarrassment.  Every time they are near you, put it in reverse and it beeps so loud.  Those things considered, it is much better to just give over and use a scooter than coming home with 10 dozen eggs and a bag of chips because you are in so much pain that walking is taking up all your attention.  Yeah, I only did that one time.  It was after the great egg debacle that I started using the scooter when I needed it.

Another thing I want to do is lose weight.  For some reason my eating habits have gone from sort of not even there, and now I am nearly sick in my tummy all day, but at night I eat and I eat and I eat.  It's silly.  I know I do it.  I eat during the day...  I force it past the lump that feel like I am trying to vomit...  it doesn't work.  Maybe some of you are like this.  I don't know.  I need so change it up.  I am tired of being squishy.

Back to the topic at hand.  Recently, well during the winter, we thought for about a week that we were losing our house.  They gave us 30 days to get out.  My dad owns a house that is two houses.  The one below him is empty.  I called him crying my guts out and said, daddy please help us, we are going to be homeless.  He said to come down the next night, that he would help us.

My husband and I got there, and wife #3 was not there.  Then my father proceeded to give us all these bullshit lies about why he could not help us.  See, as soon as he married wife #3 he said, right in front of my brother and myself; that he finally found his family.  I found out later that the wife said she would leave him if he helped us.

Luckily I don't give a shit about inheritence or money at all, because apparently as soon as the ring was on her finger his will changed and my brother and I aren't in it anymore.  Good for him.  He gets to fuck me up as a kid, then I don't even get a thing when you kick it?  Fuck that.

 I use the fuck word a lot.  I hold my anger down and I cuss instead, so if it bothers you, fuck off.  Now, I should be angry.  I am not.  I say fuck a lot, because it is like a pressure relief if I need it.  That said, I should still be upset, and sad.  Shit, line up the reasons, I have a whole bunch of reasons NOT to be happy.  

I ain't running through meadows singing and laughing..  I am surviving.  I am not posting about the sunrise and how blessed I feel to be alive today.  Fuck that.  I am in pain today.  Does that mean I am angry and mean?  No, absolutely not.  I am just trying to point out that I thought that was happiness.  That those that seem like they are riding a unicorn through glitter land all day long were doing something I wasn't.  I am still not sure how people like that maintain, I don't think they do.  I think you are full of shit.  Happiness, when you are ill and in pain all the time..  takes work.  But it can be achieved.  

Each day.  Surviving.  Because I took control of my own brain.  You don't wait for what others have to say.  You don't even have to listen to what they say.  They are only words.

Come on people..  Join me..  Don't let the words of others hurt you.  The power to do that is inside you.  Protect your heart and your mind.  Love yourself, and if others can't get on board, walk away.  We are working way too hard just to get out of bed to allow ourselves to be miserable all the time.  As I said, happiness is not defined as having rainbows shooting out of your ass... happiness is defined for you, in your head, and once you find it; once you find a happy place..  don't let anyone fuck with your happy place.  Protect it.  

Heart Hugs to my readers.  I am happy to have you along for this ride.  Let's get through it together.

 

I Missed Getting to Hear Bob Marleys Daughter Speak. Fibromyalgia Sucks Sometimes.

Yeah, that is me in the purple dress.  Fibro has a representative color and it is purple, so here I am.  At the rally to legalize cannabis.  I was hurting and ordinarily would have stayed home but I went.  I walked a block to get to the rally.  At least I had my chair, because sitting on that wall is super uncomfortable on your ass.  Like a lot.

Anyway, one of the speakers was Bob Marley's daughter.  I was hurting so bad that I had to miss her.  I had to limp back to my car; taking frequent leans against poles, walls, whatever was there.  I cried real tears, even today, that I missed her.  This is the part of this fucking disease that sucks ass.  It makes me miss shit I really don't want to miss. (I mean, a Marley baby...  I missed so sad) This is what I mean about sometimes I get sad.  It is sad.  This shit is forever, at least for right now.  I am tired of missing life, and a little sad at the moment as a result.  This is a time of growth, though, and I will see the other side with a smile.  In the meantime the best I can do is stay positive when I can and never, ever, let this shit beat me.  It can make me cry, but it will not win.

I managed to stay on my feet and not go down.  I was alone, that would have made a scene.  If you see someone sink to the ground there will be some sort of kerfuffle...  I was simply hoping to make it to my car, then make it home.

I don't know if this happens with other maladies.  I like to call it my T-Rex.  Where your arms feel like someone put elastic in there and it's trying to wind back up, and take your arm with it.  My hands curl in, and my arms are useless..  I look like a damn T-Rex.  roawrrrrr ...

Among other things, my skin was hurting.  It was a bad time Bob.  A real bad time.  Oh, and as you can see, I look like the guy that wants to kill Bart on the Simpsons.  I love my dreads, they represent this new chapter in my life.  Too old?  Mid-life crisis?  I don't care.  I wanna keep this until they turn gray.

Naturally, you walk/look/seem strange people will stare.  They cannot help it.  I look them right in the eye.  From my prop position I smile..  I say hello, or hola..  depending.  I pass on love and positive energy and it is really awesome to watch them try to process me.  I confuse people on so many levels.  It is not my intent.  I should think that because of the way I look that they would not be surprised by my behavior...

I smile through the pain, I learned that a long time ago.  Now I smile to those around me, I engage them in conversation.  I help someone who looks distressed.  It doesn't matter how distressed I might be.  My pain is only that, pain.  It will not lead to injury (except when I fall down, run into walls, hit my head on things) but literally, I hurt all the time..  there is no difference.  Instead of frowning at the sidewalk and scowling at people that stare, I smile..  It makes them feel better, and in turn makes me feel better.

Listen up friends..  You have no idea the power you have.  Just say hello to someone you don't know.  Como Esta?  How are you?  It makes them smile.  It makes them feel the love that you feel for your fellow man.

I had to stop getting notifications from a friend, one that was always posting about the pretty butterfly and her perfect kids, glitter, and rainbows.  She is still my friend, but I could not stomach that crap.  Rainbow my ass.  But that still does not mean that we can't keep it as positive as possible.  No reason to be an ass hole after all.

Moral of this story?  You can effect someone in a positive way just by asking how their day is going.  Why aren't more people doing it?  I do it with my bad teeth, limping down the street, and I gave love and I got love.  It was a beautiful moment.

You are Being Lied To.. at Boy Scouts and at Church

I recently saw Steve Harvey talking about being a christian.  He said that if he sat down on a date with a girl, or had a conversation, he first finds out if they are an atheist or not.  If they don't believe in his God he has no time for them.  I wonder how he would respond if I told him I am a witch?  It would be funny at least.  So there are many fundamentalists out there who hate those that don't believe.  They scream horrible things at them.  It started to get around school that my son was an atheist and I was worried about his safety.  It is not safe to be an "other" in any way where we live.

Now, I have gone and blown up this scandal involving a church, the scouts, and some scout leaders as liars, trying to cover up what they did wrong.  Well, I am here not to let that happen.  In my house we have two atheists a Buddhist, and a Witch.  We were the only ones..  the only ones..  that did the right fucking thing that night.

Loaded gun, boy scout meeting..  The church bailed him out of jail and are paying his way right now while he lives in a drug den with his skinhead uncle.  

The scout troop was supposed to send a letter to all the parents, informing them what happened at the meeting.  They have not done that.  I am finishing my school work today..  be ready to see this on the news.  I am done.  I am done feeling like it is dangerous not to be a christian, but I wonder what everyone in that church, especially with those in scouts, would feel about being lied to?  Would feel about the pastor helping him stay out of prison when he had a loaded firearm at a meeting with their children?

I am no idiot.  When a child (in this case the one with the gun) although he is 18 and technically an adult is coming and spending a week at my house (uninvited, he would just open the door and walk in) I saw him going manic.  He asked me about skinheads and what they wear.  You know the ones in Europe?  Maybe SoCal, not sure..  doesn't matter.  He came to my house the next day wearing what he thought I meant.

This is not a stable human, and I knew it.  He got kicked out of sunday school twice..  from the same church that bailed him out and is helping his live now.

No letter from the troop..  they are trying very hard to keep this a secret..  Too bad I have such a big fucking mouth;.

You are the Pastor of a Church, Surely You are Concerned About the Safety of Your Flock, right? I mean Right?

Mr. Westerfield I could not possibly have said it so well as you did.  This is a continuation of a story that I started a while back.  Instead of going over it again, Just Click Here to catch up.

Now, for the rest of the story.  I went to court today with my son, who got subpenaed (wow that is a hard word to spell).  At any rate, him and his friend showed up on time.  The mother of the other boy has never spoken to me before.  She didn't like me much.  After today I think she knows that would she have just looked a little deeper she would have seen that I am so much more than I look like.  I, the one with the nervous condition, kept them calm.  No one was super freaking out, but we were all obviously upset.  These boys didn't want to rat out their friend.  It is a horrible siuation.

I learned something today.  When he got arrested for illegal firearms he went to jail and had a bond of 10,000 dollars.  What I did not know until today was that the church, where the scout meeting was held.  Yes, the same place where the Scouts meet...  the same place where he took a loaded weapon into the scout meeting, and showed it off to a boy..  That Church..  Yeah..  

I did not wonder lately why I was the one that had to call.  I also found out recently that the pastor of the church was going to get the guns from Josh and give them to the police.  Great concept, except he knew the cops were coming and still didn't part with his weapons.  No way in hell would he have given all his weapons to the pastor.

Now, today we were there for his trial.  Guess who not only posted his bail, but sent a representative to court in support of him today?  Yeah, the fucking church.

I know I am crazy, but there are so many things wrong with this picture.  So many lies and cover-ups.  The cop yelling at my son..  The fact that the kid that did this took all of our license plate information today.

This church has an obligation to keep its people safe.  This church is not doing its job.  They released a sick 18 year old with weapons out onto the street.  They are helping him get his life together while he lives with his Ex-con uncle, who is by the way, a real deal skinhead.

I wonder, to all the christians out there, would you stay at a church that helps people like that stay on the streets?  Helping him monetarily..  This is a kid that took a loaded weapon into a meeting with 20 boy scouts.  People are going to jail for a fucking bullet in their pocket and this kid gets a deal because he gave up the name of the guy he got the handgun from.

Back out on the street.  All this bullshit, and it was for nothing.  All the time I spent scared and worried and a fucking church is helping this ass hole?  The one I overheard talking about cutting lines today..  

This is real and this is happening.  I looked out the window to see the youth pastor doing the "use your finger as a gun to demonstrate" thing and it bothered me a lot.  He was standing there with the boy that committed this crime.  Laughing and joking about guns.  Hand guns to be exact..

Not appropriate.  This boy just turned 18.  He was in the role of a leader.  One of those boys could have been shot.  It was loaded.  I am not hated by everyone, but I have a whole lot of dangerous people really pissed at me.  I still would do it all over again.

For fuck sake the boy showed up in court wearing what he thought was his skinhead outfit.  Because he is clueless.  He is dumb enough to commit a level 3 felony and not see what was possibly wrong with that.  Yes, he is a psychopath.  
 

Now we move on..  the best we can.  At least this is over.  Actually, we will see...  I have a feeling it isn't quite over.

This Website is Hilarious.. I Simply Must Share

Click here for a link to every possible nickname for vagina

Also, here is a random picture of an old lady watering her marijuana plants.  Heart Hugs.

What is Your Calling?

It only took me nearly 20 years to figure it out..  but I am meant to write.  I aim to get paid for it someday, but in the meantime I think I shall continue to blog.  Do you feel like you are fulfilling your own calling?  It doesn't matter where or what you do, nor does it matter how much money you make.  What matters is that you like your job.  I worked at Walmart before I got sick.  That was NOT my calling.  I was miserable.  My point here is that if you are doing something that makes you sad, or angry, whatever..  you need to start down a new path.  

This is not nearly as hard as it sounds.  The economy is improving a bit.  There are ways of attending school online.  If you don't need school, spend that time looking for another job.  I know that when you are working 40 hours a week it seems impossible to look for work elsewhere, but your happiness is the important part.  If you are not happy, the people around you are going to suffer, your wife/husband, your kids, your parents; they all suffer when someone in the house is not happy.

No matter what you may hear about online education, if you put in the time you will be rewarded with the information and you will learn.  I must be honest here, I didn't learn a thing about math.  I took statistics and now I can understand what the studies mean in the scholarly articles that I read...  but math?  Forget it.  I learned nothing.  However, I am not trying to learn math.  I don't need it. That being said, I have passed all the classes that I love with an A.  I have learned because I put in the time and I do the work.

Hard times should always lead to learning something about yourself.  I hear all the time, "but you don't know what I have been through, you don't just move on from that" ...  Except yes you do.  I have lost everything and had to start completely over 3 times.  Wiped out.  I have been with the same man for nearly 20 years, even though we have been through hell as well.  I am clean from heroin.  I won't go on about my crap..  my point here is, every single time I forced myself to face the truth.  Look in the mirror.  You know the truth.

No more fucking excuses, get out there and get it done.  If you don't fight to learn and grow from all that life throws at you, then you are in real trouble.  Find your passion..  Find your purpose.  Find your peace.  Learn from your shit.  Period.

Finding Yourself in the Midst of the Chaos

Okay, so there is a little informative post.  Fibro patients, remember you are not alone.  There are more of us out here.  More than that.. make sure that you try to find some girlfriends.  I have been shocked that my some of my best friends, who know more about me than my own husband; are all online.  I haven't met any of them in person.  It doesn't matter.  Of course I doubted the validity when people claimed that they found their partner online.  I was skeptical but I have proven myself wrong.  I have some amazing friends who helped me through the gun incident.  Amazing women who know exactly what to say and when to say it.

I have found strength because I asked for what I needed.  

I asked verbatim for a hippy version of Mary Poppins and I found one.  Sometimes all you have to do is ask.  I know that you feel like a drain on your loved ones. I understand that feeling so well.  We tend to go quiet and try to make the lives of the people around us easier by being quiet and not asking for what we need.  

It can be hard to figure out what you are missing.  Start at the beginning.  Pretend you are 20 again, learn to live with the disease instead of it ruining your life.  I missed so much with my boys.  Hang with your kids when you can.  They don't need you all the time, children understand more than we give them credit for.  They only want you to try.  That isn't so hard.  Again, I recommend some cheeba to help with your pain, as well as puts you on an amazing level with your kids.  It relaxes your mind so you can really BE THERE, instead of in your head.

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