I thought gonads was another name for balls. It totally isn't, it's balls AND ovaries.
I am a sociology/psychology major, finally back in some classes that don't make me cry. Unless you count today. I did not cry, however we are in the chapter about how brains work. Seriously, all the stuff I remembered being able to do today. FMS patients, this post is mostly for you. Some random things I thought about today. When I was reading about how our brains work, is when I really really realized just how broken mine is. It was a surreal feeling. I had to take a few minutes and come back from la la land. I had to talk myself back into continuing my studies.
I really, for a moment, thought that I was wasting all this time in school, when I can't even trust my own brain. It knocked me over a bit. FMS patients, I am sure, absolutely certain.. that you know what I mean. I have a working theory about hormones, birth control and FMS.
We are studying the brain. Synapses, cerebral, receptors. At any rate, I read that chapter and it was like a history book. I though, whoa, holy shit... I remember when my brain worked that way. When I didn't need to take enough shit to kill a horse just for a couple of hours of REM sleep. It seems like it was a long time ago. Certainly a long time in my world where 30 seconds from now, if I was speaking out loud... I will indeed forget what I was saying. Every damn time.
I feel like a huge ass hole when.. then what am I supposed to do now.. in this silence that feels so heavy I might fall over? When Skippy decides to show her ugly face while I am on the phone, or having a live conversation. Do I explain? Do I apologize for sounding like an ass hole.
My husband and boys would rather I didn't talk about it all the time, and I have gotten better. However, there is this nagging doubt. If I can't explain myself then that clerk, or person on the phone, even an extended family member... is going to think I am a giant stoner ass hole.
The reality is I am skipping in my brain. I have been doing research about FMS, I gave up a few years back because there really weren't any plausible articles in my school library. However, couple years later and there are finally some articles. I thought YAY finding some answers.
I have finally found some articles, but at least in this preliminary stage, it seems like all the people doing the studies are also at the same place. Almost nothing is known, however at least it feels more real when I can find an article about it in the databases.
Now, having said all that I realized something pretty big today. I realized that no matter what, I would be working in this field. I want to help people that struggle with this. I have no choice. This is my who, what, when, where and why.
I have been totally freaked out about my brain. I have huge brain farts. HUGE. I feel some days like my brain is working in 30 second loops, I can start a sentence and totally forget not only what I was saying, but what I was even talking about in the first place. (matter fact it happened in that last sentence, I had to go back and read the paragraph.)
Sometimes I feel like my brain and memory are getting worse.. Then really, I don't remember anything.. ever.. so why be scared right? Just know, warriors, that you are not alone. We all feel these things. AND I forget everything else I was going to say. I will remember at the worst possible moment.. ie; no computer, paper, or phone to jot down a note. Also, I lose my notes. Then it feel like a failure. And fuck failure..