My Story Part 1, R Rated

                I sit here, with writers block because I have so many ideas that I can’t slow down enough to pick one and stick with it.  So, I decided to type with my brain, sort of willy nilly, and see what comes out.  According to my husband and my teenage sons, it is usually something less than appropriate, to downright embarrassing. 

                When I was 15 my dad finally left us.  I say finally because he was 6 foot 5 inches of ass hole.  He was evil to my mother, cheating regularly (although I found this out later on) and life was generally better when dad was not home.

                 I was brought up to give a shit what others thought of me.  I grew up in a house where I got sent every Sunday with my grandmother to church.  I don’t suppose we had much money, but my mom and dad built our house when I was in my tweens.  It was a great house, I see it almost every day.  It hasn’t ever really been my house.  I know I lived there for a while..  but after I moved from there I stopped having “houses” in the traditional sense.

                When I was six years old my 17 year old cousin babysat me and touched my bathing suit area.  I don’t mean to make light of this, as I would learn later that it truly fucked me up in an elemental way that took years to get over.  I see him all the time now also.  I have seen him once, other than in passing,  since I was 18 and he had the nerve at that moment to talk shit about how I looked freaky with my tattoos and I should be ashamed.  Because I was not Tammie Version 3.0 at the time I simply went back into my house and wrote him off.  I hope he does it again, Tammie 3.0 takes NO shit.  Especially when it comes to pedophiles.

                After my dad left my mom for another woman I didn’t see him for a long time.  Then one day months after he left he pulled into the driveway, I ran outside to see him and he looked at me, deadpan, and said “Thanks for the fathers day card” and pulled back out of the driveway.  I was 15 when he did that, it hurt so bad that I thought I would die from the pain.

                I went a little nuts then, and a little more, and more until my mother thought it would be best for me to spend a few weeks with my female cousin, who was a favorite of mine.  Things were pretty great there, I wasn’t fighting with my mother, my cousin and her husband were closer to my age, so understood me more than my mother could.  The downside to this plan was the fact that their marriage was in trouble and I had to listen to them fight nearly every night.  I heard them beating the shit out of each other too.  It made me sad.  I moved back in with my mom.

                After a couple of long term boyfriends when I was 15 and 16 I moved straight onto that thing that all damaged little girls do; sex with as many boys as I possibly could.  I knew that this was not healthy.  I knew on some level why I was doing it.  Of course I was out of control.

                My mother decided it would be best for me if I found a man, and settled down and gave him some babies.  Her and my cousin found “just the guy” and off I was to my first blind date.  I dressed up.  I wanted so badly to make my mom proud and to love this guy enough to marry him.

                We went for ice cream, then directly to the woods so that he could convince me to suck on his dick, until I relented. Now, I already said I had a very healthy sex life, but those were all guys that I wanted to have sex with..  this one?  Well, I didn't.   I had to lie to my mother, she still doesn’t know this.  She would have been so upset to learn this truth, which of course meant a second date.  Let me say here that this guy was short.  Shorter than me.  His knob was also a disappointment, to say the least. 

 He took me directly to a hotel room, no dinner.  I was hungry and he got me food from the machine in the hall.  This was my last time going anywhere with this guy.  My mother forced me to speak to him again, when I felt more than a little raped by the dude, but I had to speak.  I had to tell him that I want to have fun.  I don’t want to be tied down so young.  I was barely 18…  I couldn’t say, you are a raper and I hate you…  think of the scandal.  I was young and stupid…  No wonder I chose to join the Marines and leave as soon as possible.