Getting Over Myself

This happened to me today.  I blamed old issues that came up on everyone but myself.  I found out some good things.  First of all, teenagers are supposed to be far away from their parents.  I am learning this slowly.  It has nothing to do with me now.  It has a little bit to do with the fact that for three years of their life I was a nightmare.  I wish that I could do it over and that is against my main rules for life.

1. You don't get a do over.  You learn from your fuck ups and you grow..  or you wither and die

Instead of practicing what I preach, I was angry with my husband for things he said a long time ago.  I could not process it at the time and I held onto it.  It came out today, on a blog, then in real time.

We talked for a long time about my disease and how it doesn't define me anymore.  I don't let it.  But, I still act like they are all treating me like my disease.  I had to forgive myself.  For the years missed, and the crazy shit that I have done to all of them.  They treat me like I am sick, because I am, sick.  If I am taking this thing by the hand, my family wants to do the same thing, they just don't know how.

I want to teach them, or at least work through the issues that we occasionally have.  I know this for a fact, my husband is so supportive, but he shows me this through actions, not words.  I am okay with that.  He busts his ass for this family and I love him more than life itself.

For the kids, I just want to make the most of the time I have left.  It is growing short and I had the practice run the other day.  It paled a bit when compared to the tire changing thing..  but I did drop my child at a dorm at Kutztown University, and it felt really real.

I have done my best to make sure that they can both fly far and live their best lives, whatever that means for them.  I am working on a resume and I am looking for a job.  I am ready for the world again.  I know my rules and my limitations.  Well, some of them anyway.  What can I do but try?

This is the hard part.  My job as mom is changing.  It is a different role that I play for my boys.  I am learning how to let go.  Something tells me that Army hubby crazy time, losing Jason for a while, losing my kids for a while, losing everything more than once...  none of those things hurt nearly as bad as the fact that my role has changed.  I could not be prouder of both of my children.  I just wish I could keep them with me forever...  sometimes ;)