Conundrums and Fibromualgia or .... (insert malady here)

So, I used that meme because I like it.  Most of the people I have met who have fibro also have a really open third eye.  They feel things that other people cannot.  I was an empath before I got sick.  Now I simply can't even stay somewhere if the energy is bad.  It pushes me away.  However, this was not the point on this blog..  but you can count on me to keep it exciting..  and difficult to follow.

I write because as I get better, as things improve for me with the Fibro, and how I am learning to live with it..  I have talked that to death..  But not this part.  Everyone says, "don't be your disease"  "Don't talk about it too much"  Separate yourself and your desires from those things that affect you badly since you are now all fucked up.

Well, okay.  While that is great advice...  I have a perfect example.  I wanted to get my husband and myself out of the house for a while last night.  We both had naps, I wasn't feeling too bad.  We decided to go to this random party that our friend invited us to.  Sounded amazing, lots of room, a pool, hot tub.  I finally managed to talk him into it.

We showed up and there were people in the house (we never went inside) and there were people on the back deck.  The house was amazing, the back yard was layered concrete with several levels, a huge pool, and a hot tub.  There were many people in the hot tub.  It was a beautiful house.  There was band equipment set up, I figured since it was so late that we had missed the loud music and I was happy.  Finally, I can hang out somewhere...  that isn't my own damn house.

I found a seat and was trying to get a handle on the crowd.  I quickly realized that a lot of them were tripping their faces off, having had eaten acid (LSD).  I am totally fine with that.  While it is not my thing, at least last night..  I get on fine with tripping people.  That is not true for everyone.  So, I sat and I laughed at the stupid shit they were laughing at.  Tripping people can be hilarious.

Then a tripping person got out of the hot tub, and joined his tripping friends and turned the amps back on.  Then all the tripping people started to play music.  Really, really, really loud.  Now, I am folding up on the ground like a fetus and feeling horrible that I talked my husband into driving an hour and having to leave almost immediately.

Now, if I was able, nay, encouraged to voice my concerns before we go somewhere, I am "being my disease", but if I don't.. things like last night happen and I end up having a shit time, and feeling like I failed, yet again, to take a step toward recovery.  I tried.  We did not try the house, I didn't know the guy.  The whole back yard was pool.  I could not have moved away from the music.  We had to leave and it took me nearly 45 minutes to calm down.

I like to look at these experiences and learn from them, but the ones like this.  The ones that are just shitty.  I feel sad and a little defeated.  I know that I talk a lot about positivity and looking at the glass half full, but I also wrote you all this so that you would know that keeping that up every day is not possible.

This doesn't mean that I failed.  It simply means I have to have a more vigorous checklist before we go somewhere.  That doesn't take the sad away.  Some days we are all sad.  It happens to the best of us.  We can't get stronger if we don't have something to keep fighting for.