38 with Mommy Issues.. WTF?

I learned something recently.  That's the thing about changing your life, changing yourself, improving on who you are to become a better person.  Most of all, becoming the best version of myself that I can.  I have Fibromyalgia and I still miss making jewelry, and painting, and sewing.  I miss my old life.  That said, I have this new life I am starting to see.  A new start.  A fresh start.  One where I am not defined by any disease, one that I built from the bottom up.

The thing that I learned?  You have to deal with your old shit.  No matter how old, and no matter how insignificant it may seem, in the big picture..  if it pops into your head, you have to work it through.  For example...  I love dance.  It is my art form.  I took dance from 5 years old and it loved it.  It was what I wanted to do with my life.

I developed late.  I went from no boobs to speak of in 7th grade to having a D cup in 8th grade.  I did not get them from my mother, she had no idea what to do with me and bras.  No clue.  Not her fault.  However, I remember after the dance recital that year, post boobies..  she said to me, you did a great job, but I don't think you can be a dancer because your boobs got too big.  When I looked at you all I could see were your bouncing titties.  She was being a mom.  She didn't want me to be a dancer, she never talked to me about what I wanted to be...  but she sure hated it when I talked about trying out for the 76ers cheer squad.  So, I am not sure what her motives were, but she effectively killed my dream.  I haven't thought about that in years. 

 Like I said up there, if it pops up, it is in there and needs dealt with.  I am not angry with her, nor do I blame her.  However, even today I was doing my dance exercise.  I love it.  I cry because it hurts, but I am actually getting better and trying out some of my old moves.  Today I was working on some modern/ballet stuff that I used to be good at.  The second that my tits started bouncing I stopped.  I haven't started back again.  I took the dog out and sat in my contemplation chair for a bit.

I am not telling this story for pity.  I am telling this story because if your child has balls big enough to perform in front of people, no matter what, you tell them how well they did.  How proud you are of the hard work they put into what they were doing.  You never point out your child's flaws, I don't care if it is dance, or sport, or band..  I don't care..  you give them nothing but support.  

If you want to criticize them, you talk privately with your partner and find the nicest possible way to tell them.  You never stomp on their dreams.  If you do, look at me.  A 38 year old woman who can't dance because my tits bounce and I have held onto some anger over that...  I have to work through it.  This is a process.

Just know, whether this helps you with your kids or whether this helps you with your own stuff, know that you are the one in control..  I am in the process of taking mine back.  It isn't easy and some crazy shit is going to pop up.  But if you are dedicated to the process you find it, work it, and leave it.