Helvetica seems an appropriate font for this message. I am writing because I have thought I was being all "house wifey" at least doing something other than school. I thought that it would be brilliant if I went ahead and started scanning all my photos that I have collected over the years. Many of which are on no digital medium at all. Not to mention my skills at restoration, maybe I can do some cool stuff. I digress
My family was sort of strange, like everybody loves Raymond, except not at all. We live in Southern Lancaster County AKA "where the fuck are we?" Some of us run a business together, and for most of my childhood we were literally a stones throw away from all of our cousins. This still doesn't sound that odd and I suppose I was very lucky. I had a wonderful time growing up. Never when I was at home. Always with my cousins and their parents.
My dad hated his life and took it out on all of us. He finally left when I was 15. It was a relief. He was miserable all the time. That rubs off on a kid. Even 20 years later. He finally left, but my mother was shattered.
She is one of those wives that lives for her husband. Even when he would stay out all hours of the night she would still wake up every fucking morning and make his cheating ass breakfast, coffee in a thermos, and a very large lunch. From work he brought her crabs. Not the picnic kind either.
So I lived right next to, and spent most of my time with families that were not dysfunctional. My mom tried, but she was broken. My brother is four years younger than me. Before the divorce even I would spend as much time as I possibly could at Angie's house, she is my closest cousin in age; because mine was so awful and sad.
I am scanning pictures and not only did my mother never pose for a picture with me when I graduated, my dad wasn't even there. I found the following picture of Angie and her dad and I was so happy for her that she got to know what that feels like.
That is one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. My dad didn't.. he just wasn't. Ever. Then he was gone. I am almost 40 and still cry over this? I guess it took me this long to admit to myself that I am fucking hurt. I see now that I had misplaced anger toward Angie and her family.. I learned long ago that it was jealousy. I let jealousy ruin my relationships with my family. I don't know how to fix that... But I am happy that they have each other. I miss Angie and Uncle Mark being silly. I fucked that up. Jealousy is a mean mistress and will own you before you even know she is coming.
My mother is amazing to this day. Just today she put a band aid on my pinky. I have been very sad and feeling like I need hugs from her often. She gives them readily.
Recently we were told that we had a month to find a new place to live. We lost our fucking minds. To say short notice.. we knew we had nowhere to go. My amazing little brother called and said that he was working something with my dad. We went to his house the next night.
He has two houses that are sort of connected. There is an entire house under his house that sits empty. I was crushed, bawling, begging, please we need somewhere to go. We are going to be on the street. He said "blah blah blah" it doesn't matter what he said because really what he should have said is, my 3rd wife threatened to leave me if I let you move in.Truth.
My brother, my mom, my Uncle Mark, Larry, they were there for us. They gave me peace because I was assured that they, at least they, would make sure that we were not out on the street.
I have not spoken to my father since. He thinks that because things worked out and we got to stay in our house that what he did is okay. I do not have the patience to explain to him why I have no room for his shit in my life any more.
Thanks for making me exist spern donor, move along ain't nobody got time for that.
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