We have always had a hard time monetarily. After I got sick, it got a lot worse. My poor husband has had to pick up the slack. Working overtime... whatever he could do to make a little more money for us. We don't vacation, we have bad teeth, our cars were made in the 80's and the 90's and we are happy. See, we figured out a long time ago that money does not buy happiness. Actually, that may be a lie, I wouldn't know.. I have never had any fucking money.
This is our car...
That being said, I don't want money. I hate it. I like having the things I need. I like my kids having the things that they need, and luckily when they were younger we managed most times, holidays and birthdays, to get them what they want. I have been to the food closet to feed us. Teenagers eat a lot. I was not ashamed, we needed help desperately.
Instead of applying for disability I am attending college online. I am double major in psych and sociology. I have brought my children up.. not to think that the almighty dollar is the king, but to realize that money is not happiness and we are a happy family. One of them, especially since I got sick, is actually a little pissed off that I got sick. He wasn't able to do all the things he wanted as a younger teen because I was sick and we had no money. He is still a little angry with me, that I fucked up his childhood. I think he will make a lot of money because he was so frustrated that there never seemed to be enough for the family.
Don't get me wrong, none of us liked living on Ramen and peanut butter and jelly.. When my kids would get angry or frustrated I would ask them to think about their friends, the kids in their class, my own relatives... I asked them to think about all the people that have more money than we do. Then I would ask them if they seem as happy as we are. Do they have parents that love each other and love them unconditionally? The answer surprised my children. As I watched the truth dawn on them.. so we needed to have this talk a few times... but as I watch the truth dawn on their faces I am not so sad that they grew up in the financial state that they did.
As I said, I think they will both want to make a lot of money, because they like having it. I think they both know how to fuck that all up.. That being knocking a girl up, or going to jail. You do one of those things and you are done. Or, you are going to have to fight over crumbs, like we have for the past 18 years. Yes, I have been married for almost 20 years.
We moved 22 times since we have been together.. Hubby served in the Army. Even after Army though, we have found it impossible to settle down. Now one kid is a senior next year and the other one is right behind him and will be a junior in high school. We have now said, just let us stay in this house until the kids graduate. We have no clue what is next but it has been years since I thought that finding "that house" and settling down in it for the rest of my life was the end all be all. I find I wouldn't mind settling somewhere, but I don't have to either.
It's supposed to be the great American Dream right? The house, the car, a pool, a boat... that is NOT my American Dream. I think it works for some people, it does not work for me and my husband.
I am in school for this. I know the numbers. Statistically, my children are supposed to be little fuckers that are failing at school and life and falling into a pit of despair because they can never be "not poor". We took those statistics and fucked them right in the face. One kid is such a genius with machines and wood and tools that he is going to be fine. Something always needs fixed. My other kid, is literally a genius. PSAT scores have him in the top 96% of the country. The COUNTRY. Like the whole thing. He is a Sophmore this year and his stack of letters from colleges is about a foot high.
What I am trying to say here is that, you don't have to be a statistic. Yeah, it's fucking hard when someone can't work. Yeah, it fucking sucks when they turn off your power because you didn't pay. It fucking sucks when you don't have the money or the time to get your car inspected. It fucking sucks.
My response? Light a candle, get a fucking camp stove and some butane and do what you can. Once we moved back to PA when the kids were younger I would send them to stay with my mom while our power was out.. that way they didn't suffer that.
Concerning work? Well I have a nervous condition. I think my work is writing because it is the way that I can best communicate. It is very difficult for me to get the words to my mouth. Typing helps tremendously, but I still forget and have to delete half a sentence, because I forgot what I was saying. Point is.. money will come or it won't but I am pursuing my passion and helping people.
Take your life back. It isn't about the shit you have or think you need. Spend the day with your fucking kids. Put down your fucking screens and pay attention to your child. It isn't that hard. I even encourage you to smoke a little cheeba on the low, then hang with your kids, it fucking awesome and fun. People will look at those words with distaste like that is bad. Well, it certainly beats most home dynamics happening right now.
No, you don't smoke yourself stupid. Couple a puffs and hanging with little kids is great. It actually puts you on a level with them. They are more comfortable. They don't know why. Sometimes it just suits everyone. It beats being addicted to whatever pills you are on.. or breaking open that bottle of wine. I know you do it. I know the numbers remember?
This is a long post, but it is how I feel. It is why I am sick, poor, shitty teeth, tiny house that we rent.. and I am happy. Our huge yard helps a lot. I go to the porch out back and I am in the woods. It is lovely.
No more excuses.. No more, but I just need to have that.. no more. That is the key to being happy. It's really simple. Way easier than math. Just love and live and let live and turn off the news, find the information yourself.. Turn off your cable, watch shows on Netflix.. Life is easier when you don't have the bought and paid for media telling you about daily disasters. By no means am I suggesting you check out.. just get the information yourself.
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