Tuesday, August 5, 2014

A Little of This and That... Totally Shameless

First of all, to all the parents out there with children with crooked teeth, STOP.  Do not put braces on that child.  You never know when the braces are going to crack your childs teeth, in ways that will ensure they don't have a tooth left in their skull by the time they are 30.

I started the journey at the orthodontist when I was in second grade.  I thought I was all cool and had a retainer at first.  Things were good.  I finally got the braces on.  I decided that they must be cool.  I was so excited, my mom said I would have straight teeth, because she didn't and she never felt like she could smile.  I haven't smiled in over ten years.  I cannot.  No one wants to see the mess that is in my mouth.

I went for my appointment, and they x rayed my teeth.  The orthodontist ran over to me and said, "young lady you haven't been brushing your teeth and as a result I have to take your braces off today."

First of all, I brushed my teeth all the time, I had braces, they were going to be white and straight and I would be perfect and not ashamed of some crooked teeth.  Oh, the fucking things we pick up from our parents.  He told me that day, that because I wasn't brushing properly they had to take them out.

The truth?  The fucking truth...  is that some kids have really soft European teeth.  On my dad's side of the family, every single one of them has false teeth since they were 40, at the latest.  The fucking truth is that in those X-rays they took that day they saw all the cracks they had put in my teeth.  

The truth is what they don't want people knowing, that it is far superior to have some crooked teeth, than to not be able to talk properly or smile because you cannot afford dentures.  Most of my teeth are gone.  I am actually excited for the front ones to come the rest of the way off, because then you will be able to tell, but you won't see any nasty teeth.

There are things in this world way more important than fucking straight teeth.  Let the child grow up.  Put the money aside for the procedure if they decide they want it done.  Let the child and a dentist decide that it is okay, that your child's teeth can handle, being straightened out.

I wait patiently for the day that I can afford to fix my mouth.

Onto other stuff.  I am seriously writers blocked.  I think of shit all the time to write about.  Important things.  I am working on working on figuring out a way to get it written down somewhere.  Which really means I am not working that hard at all.  I have let things just pop up, and I am hoping something does.

Have you ever felt in a funk and you don't know why?  I hate that.  Fuck..  this is awful...  grrrr..  I wish I could think like I used to.

Hell, I wish that I felt refreshed after a shower.  I just feel tired and wet.  I wish I could feel my hands so that I could do something about the wookie living between my legs.  I dare not go near those bits with numb hands and scissors.  Yes, I said wookie.



Remember when sex was fun?  Sometimes I think about all the things I used to be.  I want to say it makes me sad, but it really makes me thoughtful.  It has changed me on so many fundamental levels that I cannot say it is all bad.  The wookie?  That's pretty bad.  I would wax it, or have someone do it if I wasn't absolutely sure that I would not punch them.  See, I am a lot like Ricky Bobby...  nervous condition hands, sometimes I do not know what they are going to do.


I am more like Ricky Bobby in this clip than I thought.

When I did civil disobedience in Philly and was detained and ticketed for asserting my rights to smoke cannabis..  in front of the liberty bell..  I sat the whole time like this.  The lady said, "you can put your hands down" and I said "Ma'am there are about 30 cops standing around just looking for a reason to take one of us to jail.  I have a nervous condition.  It is why I am here tonight, I need this medication, and I need to watch my hands because you got me all upset and I will not be the one going to jail tonight."  I never know what they might do.  I grabbed a Dr once.  He pushed on the super ouch spot and I grabbed his arm.  He was a total doucher about it.  Threatened to kick me out of the hospital.  Didn't even warn a bitch that he was going in..  just wham..  pain...  reaction..  that was the least interesting bit about that night.

I had to drink contrast fluid for a CAT scan.  This was before they made it taste like nothing, and it was also before they took out the component that makes you shit.  Everywhere.  For a while I warned people to get adult diapers if they are drinking that stuff.  Luckily it does not do that anymore, new formula.  I am sure the nurses love it too.  I shit all over the place.  Like one of those life changing shits, except I was on the bed and I didn't even know it was coming.  I thought my insides were coming out.  I grabbed my husband and said "something is very wrong" and his reply was "Oh my god you are shitting all over the bed"  Yeah, hospitals aren't so bad once you get that first "shit on the bed thing" over with.   Yes, I can laugh about this.  

Okay, this is fibro...  started talking about braces, ended up talking about wookies and my new life.

Gotta love it.

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