Teenagers, and not the stuff you would expect and some other things I'm sure

So, mothers say they worry about that phone call, that one that reports their child is hurt.  It happened with my 18 year old today.  He got hit in the face with a pitchfork.  A whole pitchfork to the face.  Luckily the damage isn't too bad and he is already on his way home. 

I am watching a movie called Jesus Camp.  The boys would not let me watch that because they said that I would get angry.  I want to say they were wrong.  If you are reading this and you are interested in what some of the religious right is doing to their kids, you should watch it.  That is all I will say.  I am NOT mad..  I am totally lying, this is a horrible movie and I am not mad, but my heart hurts. 

When we were leaving to get Shelby from the hostpital it hit me that he didn't need us there.  He is 18.  Responsible for signing the paperwork.  Another small tear in my chest.  I guess this feeling is getting better, but when you have been a mom it is hard to turn that off.  I guess it isn't about turning it off, but it is about finding your peace in this new place.  Turns out, everything is okay.  He handled the stuff with no need for us, except to pick him up from the hospital as he did not drive himself there.  Otherwise he is fine, got stitches all alone, oh shit that hurts.  What do I do now that he doesn't need me anymore?  He didn't need me to hold his hand.  I need to realize this is a positive thing.  I did my job.  I did not break the baby as well as giving him a shit ton of advice on how to not break himself.  Now it is time for him not to break himself.  I am here, in case he does.  Forever.

Matter of fact, if you as a human; mother or not, don't work on yourself, don't take the oppotunity to find your peace in the new places in which you find yourself you are fucked.  That is when life gets too hard.  Things easily become too much for me because of the Fibro..  But I learned that about myself and try to keep myself out of situation that I know will become unbearable to me.  It is all about weighing the good off the bad.

When one of the boys asks me to do something, for example I went to a show the other night with my 18 year old, and another a few nights before that with both of them and before I could answer whether or not I would go I had to figure in the fibro heavily.  I have to weight the good against the bad.  It has taught me a level of control over my life that I never had, even before I was sick.  I have learned that I need to control my own conditions.  Part of living with this.  Also part of living the best life.  Those little voices are no different than me sitting down at the club because my legs were DONE.  The warning signs are there, the instructions are there, all we have to do is listen.

If you aren't happy, you can change that.  For me, it is learning how to live again as the person this disease has turned me into.  For someone else it might mean changing jobs, or whatever pattern or need you find you have in your life, you can fix it.  

From someone who has had a large portion of my life taken away from me I can say this.  Live your motherfucking best life.  Live it.  Do it.  I thought there would be time.  I thought I had plenty of time to see all the cool places my husband and I wanted to see together.  Yes, we can still go to some of them..  most of those things are forever out of my reach.  I used to be a dancer, then a spun records, then I did both of those things and made some really cool shit.

I can't do any of those things anymore.  I can't feel my hands and I can't dance, my body just flops to the ground, gives out.  Even on the "good" days.  I put that in quotes because even my hurty, shitty, skin burning, turning inside out, I can't remember why I am on the toilet...  days, I still keep a smile on my face (I try) I don't let it make me cry.  I deal with it.  It has made me a hard ass, but it has also made me a much nicer person.  Who woulda thought that?  Interesting...