I think I was one of my pappaw's favorites. He is my grandpa on my dads side. He is one of my main spirit guides. I talk to him more than any of the others. "Pray" to him if you wish to call it that. Talking to the light. He used to rub my head and call me pappoosie and said that I was different from all the other grandkids (there were a lot) because I wasn't born like a normal baby, but that I was born in the trees with the monkeys. He nailed it on the "not like everyone else part" and I think that is why I feel so close to him, to this day. he passed in the late 90's. I was stationed with my husband and couldn't attend the funeral. I was already learning that grieving on my own without any "help" from "well-meaning" relatives was the best choice.
Today, it is so bad with my family, and I know that pappaw hates it that none of them speak to me. I may as well be Amish. I went to Mammaws funeral last fall. I swear, if you have seen any shows or movies where someone is Amish and they are shunned. Like that, only they didn't turn around with their backs to me, because I didn't try to talk to them either.
I don't really understand why they all hate me so much. I love them. I stayed away during visiting hours for mammaw, not because I didn't want to see her, but because I know how they all feel and I didn't want to upset them further with my presence. It's okay for them to feel about me however they want. I found new strength in fighting with fibromyalgia every day for the past six years. It has enabled me to slowly learn what is truly important in life. Having my extended family love me and help me would be pretty great, but since they don't, it is their loss. Not mine. However, I still love them always and respect their decision to hate me.
For the record, for the most part it is because I use cannabis as my medication for my Fibro. I refuse to get addicted to dangerous and addictive opiates.. and they hate me for that. So silly, it is why I let them feel however they want, because I am LIVING life. On here is the most time I spend on them anymore, typing out loud about the giant family that hates me because I smoke an herb instead of taking dangerous meds from the Doc. That is why it's okay. I fight for my right to medicate safely and if they think I am a bad person because of that, well I love them anyway.
Inner strength and self awareness are not hard, but they are essential to a happy life. I wasn't strong inside, no matter what I went through I was weak. Now I am strong. Some people might think that I am one of those positive people that thinks rainbows shoot out of my ass. I assure I am not that. I like to think positive, if I can, I like to live positive, if I can. I like to smile at someone, or ask a crying lady randomly if she is okay. Yeah, maybe I am one of "those people" but shit goes down.
I can't leave my house much, I have a very ugly mouth and it is embarrassing. I had the money once to get them fixed and that was the plan, then we found "the car" and I decided that I already gave him 17 years, a year or so more, before I can go into the world again isn't so bad. I was so wrong.
Mothers of the universe. Your child should NOT have their dream car first. Granted, my son has been working hard to pay for said car, however, he has now wrecked it already twice, no damage either time, ran off the road. We are taking the car for a while. You are just asking for it if you don't make your kid drive a beater as his first car. Stupid. I know better than to put a kid in a zippy car. I have known better from the beginning. No one wanted to listen. they will now.
Which bring me to another point. Mothers of teenage sons who give you no respect. Don't lie down and let them run roughshod over you. You know better. It is a thankless fucking job to be a mother sometimes. Other times things go down that make you want to flip a car, or burn the fucking house down... like you are trying to reason with an angsty teenage boy and your husband walks in and says you are being too hard on the little shit? Or when in the middle of a discussion, hubby agrees with the child, right there in front of the child.. without knowing a thing about what happened during the past two hours since they got home and since my hubby walks in.
He didn't want me to cry all the time, so I stopped. I stopped a lot of things because it bothered everyone. Now, I have the power to have changed. It took a while, but none of them can deny that I am working on myself and if I am doing it, why shouldn't they?
Your own strength of purpose is the only thing that will carry you through the nightmare that is the teenage years. I have to remind myself that I am the mother, and demand the respect that I deserve, because if you don't make them do it at home, they surely are going to be ass holes wherever they go.
During the honeymoon stage, I once asked an ex about his dark side. He (of course) only presented his best qualities and I was asking about his shortcomings. It took a while, but he finally told me (with trepidation) that he was on anti-depressants. He was afraid I would run away. Certain friends did freak out at him over it (one actually attempted suicide the following year). I couldn't imagine reacting badly to someone looking for - and accepting - help when they need it. Even if they don't agree with your decision to self-medicate (since we're still fighting for the legal right to use cannabis as medicine), how dare they judge you -- let alone ostracize you? I will never understand people who feel superior and treat people poorly. Just sad. You lose any high ground when you treat other people with disdain. Good for you for respecting your own value and strength!! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, I hope this can help someone else understand that when it seems like the world is against you, and you want to lose hope, the only one responsible for your happiness is yourself.
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